a bird named doubt

I know a bird named doubt
he can chirp and he can pout
he can mangle your thoughts
and produce nothing but naughts
at what age do you want out of his cage

you think he's the prettiest bird ever
that he makes you happy and that he is a treasure
but he always leads you away
from things that just may
make your life better not scarier just better

hes pulling back on your balls
between two bars and hes barricaded the walls
but i can clip his sad wings
and give him a swift fling
and climb mountains with no need for defenses


I never said i could write poetry, no noetry!!!! Blah!!!!! From my walk home last nite:

doubt

Holy shit... it can be ignored, put on hold in your brain, but don't let it errupt. If you're hiding it, make sure you deal with it before you let it peak out. If you think its existance is suspected, DEAL WITH IT!!!! It will be confronted, passively or not, perhaps it is you that lets it out at the WRONG time because it wants to be dealt with. But if you don't deal with it, it can erupt into cataclysmic proportions, and may have an entirely different outcome than if you were to deal with it and then confront it with the person or thing the doubt surrounds.

Maturity comes in all types shapes and colours. Some are very mature in some areas, whereas other areas are very undeveloped. Most of this has to do with experience, some is natural. Just because you naturally float through most circumstances with little experience relatively unscathed does not mean others you'll be naturally gifted at. "Work on your Red" would be the HDBI's advice, and boy could i use some of that. I'm horribly immature in dealing with some feelings, such as doubt. Why couldn't i simply confront it, and deal with it? Do i know where it comes from?... relationship? Commitment? Future? Babies? Fuck, i dunno. Was it the bolded word love printed in multiple times in the valentine card? Was it me realizing i'm not in love with Kate? Am i though? Am i not? Right now, i'm confused as fuck. But there is doubt, so what does it concern? My ability to ever love her? To ever love anyone? Do i truely believe that if i'm going to fall in love with someone i should know within 2 months? I think thats probably it... i'm not sure, i have doubts that i could... why though? Is it just that she's so relationship focused and i'm not that i find this a point of issue and hence could never love her? Thats fuckin ridiculous. A relationship builds... she had so many good points and good things to say to me tonight. Its not forever, but if you've got issues, or if you're not sure, confront them, its not fair to the other person.

Idealistic. I am. I want to know i'm gonna love or do love someone from the moment i meet her. Initially, things with kate were super and i did think that. But that started slipping i guess.... why? It really could just be fear dammnit, this is what you need to figure out, and pronto! If there is a chance, however small, you've gotta giver. But if you know its not gonna happen, then don't lead her on anymore... i'm confused now, i hopefully won't be so much in the morning. Lets think more then.

insignificance

Just because something isn't mentioned, or isn't discussed, does not mean it is insignificant. Nor is the inverse always true.

Some people thrive on insignificance, discussing what may seem mundane, trivial, or just plain boring to some. This kind of exploration can often lead to promising, significant ends. This implies significance can have insignificant roots. Much of what i discuss here (perhaps even this), is quite insignificant in and of itself. But it helps me explore my thoughts and my observations in a forum that my brain can not as easily provide.

Back to my initial assertion. Much of what goes on in my life is not discussed here. This is a forum mostly for exploration of the insignificant, in an effort to derive significance. What is already significant may not be explored here, mostly for privacy reasons, but also because my brain, and in its communication with other brains, is a better forum for their exploration, if any is necessary.

There are significant things in my life that are not discussed here. Simply because they are not discussed here means nothing of their significance. I guess thats all i wanted to say. O wait. I have some bagettes in the oven. I ran out of regular flour so the leftover dusting is being done with corn flour... we'll see how it all turns out.

O and i should also mention today was incredibly productive. Drapes were hung, plumbing was pushed, shelves were assembled, floors were cleaned (a little), aquariums were brought out of hibernation, and breakfast was eaten. Very productive. That is mostly over now, the night is here, and its time to get my play on.

what else to say?

When life is good, is there any reason to lament? I guess about food i've made, which has been little... lets see, what are the food highlights of recent days:
- dim sum at yangtzee last weekend
- coconut drink and veggie pho at vietam noodle house... at least i think thats what its called
- dim sum indonesian style at some indonesian place in kanata. Interesting, hardboiled eggs that were a little green smothered in peanut sauce, vedy strange but good!
- so much pho
- gluten free corn pasta with jalepno's (no time to check spelling)
- spicey pickled eggplant from direnzo's
- the veggie sandwhich from direnzo's when they haven't run out of the good bread
- when you get to smoke in a popular ottawa indian restaurant when the staff wanna party and you're still there, but they don't wanna push you out
- lots of fruit, including fresh figs n dates
- hazelnuts
- wings...

ok i'm kinda petering out there, but you get the jist. Life is super, i just wish i had more time to.... i dunno. I guess i don't wish for anything but more of the same. And even that i don't think i can handle. I'm just gonna roll with it. I do wish i had been taking more pictures of food and other stuff. THat i should give'r on. THen give'r some more.

O, one unrelated thing that was good. "He died with a falafel in his hand". Very cool movie, totally my style, super kickass.

2 day old coconut shrimp rule

Thats about all i can say (recipe here, flour used was brown rice though). New jobs rule too. They're scary as fuck, but they do rule. Especially when you sit in a meeting where your director and lead dude babble for more than an hour about the feature you're doing, and most of it flys over your head. Thats fun stuff. O, and day old pizza made fresh with a gluten free crust including teff, ya thats right TEFF flour, is used. Super kick ass. I also tried some gluten free gnocchi using rice flour, very different, must try the leftovers to know for sure. More to say, but little time to type amidst stuffing my face. I guess i can say the predictions i made here are coming to fuition, and that i probably will be working 9 to 10 hours a day for a long whiles.

why

I often wonder, not why we're here, why we're given this opportunity, but why we are given the power to experience such happinness and such sadness. Extremes are fundamental to our existence. Some people live there lives on one end, some on the other, and some constantly fluctuate in between. I wonder if you were to take all the individuals on the planet, sum all their respective happiness/sadness scales, what you would get? Would it be in the center? On the sadness side? Happinness? Is there some global/universal quota? Perhaps me being happy means taking it away from someone else. I have to assume this is not the case, if i'm going to continue with my optimistic attitude for this new year, new life i'm loving leading.

The cleanse is done. It was a complete success, although i probably needed a few more days (not fully clean if you know what i mean). Little "easing off" took place yesterday, started with oj, then sweet pink lady apple, then some organic sweet potato soup (not mine), then veggies and salad along with some WAY too salty olives... then a banana and more soup in the aft. Dinner was succulent, tofu pho and veggies at golden turtle, holy crap, animal based broth ok, but WOW. That fried tofu they stuff in gets more flavour than any beef they could, i suppose cause of the beefy/oxxy broth, but i don't care, spectacuLAR! The night ended with an oven at 425, some walnuts and hazelnuts, and when ready, roasted chestnuts and red wine.... ok , then it ended with toblerone, lindt, and chestnuts. I really need to try/make some chocolate covered chestnuts. O baby.

cleanse day 8

All is progressing well. I really want to eat. Shit is strange stuff, bodies are strange, i've already talked about the input/output phenom, but man, its something you really don't appreciate until you "simplify". I sit here drinking my senna tea, wishing to munch. I think it'll be nice to regain a baseline for eating, bring me back to the basics, make me really think about what i'm putting in my body. Its nice to know i've got the willpower to stop putting anything bad in for 10 days (or so)... it actually won't be the full 10 days, it has been decided to sort of end it at the middle of the 9th day. My lunch of friday is a must, and well, we'll do the flush on thursday but that'll be about it. We'll test ourselves with soups/broths, then veggies, then some pho sans meat... damn i can't wait, less than 40 hours and i'll be putting something other than water/maple syrup/lemon/lime/cayenne/herbaltea into my body.

I do recommend it tho. I think i would need to go a perhaps a while longer to clean out the rest of the crap in my body. You really need to have an open ended timeframe to do this with, i didn't... or i didn't make one.

Its been a productive week and bit though, here's what i've done:
- laid some vinyl tiles in a walkway in my apt where the floor was shite
- hung a mask
- assembled and am now using ikea's stolmen
- did some research on drapes/blinds for my bay window
- watched a few movies, one of which is tampopo, a movie about the proper way to run a soup joint in japan, very cool
- did a bit of yoga, no running
- didn't eat smoke or drink... did i mention that?